How Caitlyn C's It

Dear Old State,

It’s kind of funny writing this to you since when I first came to Penn State, I wanted to leave so badly. Being alone, 16 hours away from everyone familiar to me, was the scariest feeling. I knew I wasn’t in Minnesota when people wouldn’t hold the door for me, and no one cared that my dad worked in hockey.

Slowly, I warmed up to the East coasters and met my first friend, Madison. She’s a friendly redhead that has more to say than me. What started as a surface-level friend developed into a sister-like relationship, and now I write this letter to you as she sits in our apartment eating avocado toast.

Loneliness turned into pure bliss the moment I started to find my grove. I joined VALLEY Magazine and Zeta Tau Alpha within a week of each other, and I swear to God I was so happy I would squeal before I went to bed. Pinch me because the life I was beginning to see for myself was something I had only dreamed of – during my naps in AP Biology.

Life threw a wrench into those dreams and into my planned years with you. My freshman year was cut short, forcing me to finish my first year on Zoom in my childhood (brother’s) room. It was tough, but thanks to my newfound grit from college, I was tougher. I started my first waitressing job and enjoyed plenty of beer pong games with my dad, but soon enough, we were allowed to come back for sophomore year – in masks, of course.

My living situation the first semester wasn’t the best, but my sophomore year was when I truly fell in love with you. I found friends that made me laugh until I couldn’t breathe, and I felt the freedom of college that adults raved to me about at my grad party. 2 a.m. walks to the frats and 4 a.m. deep conversations. Freedom. I also joined ED2010, a networking club that would force me to talk to “scary people” and learn from those who were once in my shoes.

A summer filled with hopeful thoughts of normality finally came true junior year. I got to experience a football season with tailgates and in-person classes. My now roommate (and some) Isabella and I grew so close that I practically lived at her apartment. That was, of course, in between my budding relationship with my now-boyfriend Andrew who is more than anything I could’ve dreamed of. Who knew my soulmate was hiding out in some dingy frat in Centre County, PA?

Junior year was a collection of fun times and new experiences, some of which challenged me deeply. I went to Scotland with a class and developed my love for sports journalism – and disdain for two-hour bus rides on cobblestone streets –, meeting some cool people along the way. I turned 21 and got to “unlock” all the bars downtown I’d walked past on my way to class. An expensive time but a hell of a good one.

That brings me to now. A senior who graduates in 10 days.

This year is a year of lasts, but I knew that. I’ve cherished every moment with you as I know it’s coming to an end. My last football game, my last formal, my last class, my last meeting… my last moments as a Penn State student.

College is an insanely transformative time for many people. But for us here with you, Penn State, it’s so much more than a place to find yourself.

Penn State went from a strange, temporary hotel to a place I call home. Willard Building and Carnegie are extensions of my living room where I meet with my friends, now family, in academia. My roommates are my family (without all the fighting), and at the end of a night of laughter and drinking, we go home.

Putting how I feel about you into words is the hardest task I’ve ever given myself. But I think you did it yourself. When I first heard the alma mater at the end of my first football game against Idaho (79-7, baby), the lyrics about how Penn State would shape us into strong, respectful students passed right over me (mostly because I didn’t even know the words to begin with).

When we stood at childhood’s gate,
Shapeless in the hands of fate,
Thou didst mold us, dear old State,
Dear old State, dear old State.

Penn State Alma Mater

But as I look graduation in the eye, those lyrics couldn’t be any more true regarding my time with you.

Penn State is the ecosystem of friends, places and memories that have shaped me into someone who can survive in the next place. Yallah Taco at 2 a.m. is going to turn into a downtown tapas restaurant at 8 p.m. Walking to my friend’s apartments for fun is going to turn into planning a trip to visit college friends in strange cities. Hungover wake-up alarms for fly fishing class are going to turn into 6 a.m. alarms for workouts before my 9 to 5.

This ecosystem I’ve learned to love and cherish is all about to change, similarly to me. I am not the same person I was when I unlocked 414 Synder Hall for the first time. I am entirely changed into my next form as an adult, and it’s entirely thanks to you, PSU. My time with you has adequately prepared me to leave this ecosystem for the next.

I don’t know where that next ecosystem is, and I am just as terrified of leaving you as I was when we first met. But you’re kicking me out, so all that is left to say is thank you Old State; I will miss you.

WE ARE forever,

Caitlyn