How Caitlyn C's It

There is only one thing worse than a negative mindset. A victim mindset.

I fear that from a young age, especially women, we are taught a victim mindset.

Have no friends? Oh they’re just jealous.

Didn’t get picked for the school play? They picked the popular people.

Didn’t get into your dream school? The admissions people are stupid.

It’s always them, and never you.

Sure, there are things in life that are out of your control. I’d argue that there are more things in life you can’t control than you can. It’s so much more comforting and easy to blame others for your feelings and shortcomings. A victim mindset can also stemm from previous trauma or betrayal. However, I find that very rarely are we entirely void of responsibility in our problems. We’ve just become so protected from ourselves than we can’t see the parts of the problem we have control over.

This can be especially true in friendships. When I was younger, I used to think that no one liked me. No one wanted to be my friend, boys didn’t like me, and I never got picked to be in the group or on that team I wanted.

At the time, I was just a child, primed with the notion that all of those things were due to the fact that I was “too good” for those friends, boys and groups. Hindsight 20/20, I had control of all of those situations.

You friends are being mean and excluding you? Find new friends.

Boys don’t like you? Go find ones that do.

Not making a team? Pick a new one or try harder.

The idea of a victim mindset has been so normalized since it’s far easier to comfort others with the idea that it’s not their fault rather then force our loved ones and ourselves to take responsibilities – and more so, take control and action in our lives.

A victim mindset is so easy to fall into and very difficult to get out of. I find that a lot of post-grad people fall into this mindset to deal with the trials and tribulations of the real world. We are faced with real rejection often for the first time and think to ourselves “I’m doing nothing wrong, I don’t know why it’s happening.” This is often followed by, “why me.” I want to challenge us to change “why me” into “It’s me. Why?”

Small ways I’ve trained myself out of a victim mindset is to take responsibility in smaller parts of life. Is your roommate super messy and it’s bugging the crap out of you? Well let’s assume it’s your fault… why? The reason that they’re messy is because they don’t know they are and you haven’t told them it’s a problem. Not confronting a problem leads to no change and no change is the real problem.

A victim mindset can trap you in a loop of a sense of no control or hopelessness. I’ve found that identifying areas in my life that I often blame on others or other things and shifting the blame onto myself, I’ve made positive changes and seen the results that I was so desperate for.

Making changes in your mindset is WAY easier said than done, so start small. Especially if after reading this, you’re realizing that you are someone who places a lot of the blame of your issues onto other things, it will take time. However, overtime, you will be surprised at how impactful taking control of your life and your reactions can be on your progress toward your goals whether that’s in your professional or personal life.

Actionable Item Time!

Write down three main issues you are facing and find one that you can take responsibility for. Then write down a quick action plan on how you plan on fixing that issue. Make sure to write down how you’re going to do it, when you’re going to do it and how you hope that fix will make you feel.

Here’s an example of one issue:

Problem: I never have any plans on the weekends.

Taking responsibility: I never reach out to people and just wait to be invited.

Action plan: I’m going to reach out to friends, make the plans and initiate the invite!

There are always two sides to every story, especially when it comes to relationships and friendships, but taking responsibility and action for what YOU can control is how you can begin to see real changes in your life.

Let’s get real with ourselves and bring back taking responsibility… so fun!

Disclaimer: Just to be clear, this article is not referring to true victims of crimes and serious problems, or people struggling with mental health.